Claiming Pleasure

Many porn lovers find it beneficial to speak aloud their intention whenever they begin a mindful wank session. As you begin to bring more mindfulness to your play sessions, it can be helpful to remember what it is that motivates you. What are your reasons for doing this? Ask yourself, “Why?” and then listen for what your body tells you. Are you seeking relaxation? Does your body crave sexual pleasure? Are you seeking release of sexual tension? Perhaps you are looking for entertainment? Some people are embarrassed that they enjoy porn. Being open and matter of fact about your intention can lessen feelings of shame. There is an honesty when someone says, “I just want to feel pleasure,” or “I really like watching people having sex,” or even, “I just want to get off and then do something else.” (You will find more teaching about intention on the video page.)

The more you breathe, the more you feel. Breathing and moaning during solo sex enhances pleasure, releases tension and wakes up the whole body. Play with different speeds and rhythms of breath to see what feels best for you. Many of us have learned to hold our breath and not make any sounds during solo sex. Try moaning as you exhale to express the pleasure you are feeling in your body. Hearing yourself moan can also be a turn on.

Shaking can last for five seconds or five minutes. See what works for you. Your intention is to spread pleasurable sensations throughout your body and savor. Often people watching erotic videos go into a disembodied fugue state. Habit takes over. Our hands, muscles and minds go on automatic pilot. Many people habitually clench their muscles to reach orgasm. This is the time for a good shake. Five to ten seconds of shaking can interrupt long-standing habits and allow for something new and pleasurable to happen.

Often when stimulating your genitals, one hand is available to pleasure other parts of your body. Repeating circles on the belly is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to engage your body. Allow your self-massage to spread sexual excitement throughout your body. Try playing with nipples, as well as some self-slapping. Don’t forget to breathe and move with your knees bent.

Sex educator Harley Swiftdeer advocated the practice of generating intense excitement in the genitals and then raising that excitement up through the body to the heart. One way this can be done is by clenching the pelvic floor muscles with each breath, visualizing the heart pulling pleasure up from the genitals. You can also stimulate this flow of pleasure by repeatedly moving your hand from your genitals up to your heart. Sometimes this results in having orgasms in your heart. Swiftdeer called this Heart Pleasuring. Can watching porn support and nourish this heart-pleasuring? Yes! Here is a suggestion for people in relationships. Keep a file on your desktop of your lover’s face. At some point in your session, pause the porn and open the file (preferably life-size, looking directly at you). Connect with your partner for a couple of breaths. Perhaps say something out loud, such as “I love you,” or “I look forward to being this aroused with you.” One embodied porn-watching practitioner remarked: “Often, when watching porn, I think about Elise. I have a portrait of her next to my computer and at least once during every session, I look her directly in the eyes and say, ‘I like feeling this with you.’ My wife likes that every time I masturbate to porn, I include her.” (More heart pleasure teaching on screen with video.)

At some point during your pleasurable play session, you may find yourself heading toward peak arousal. As you approach orgasm, turn from the porn, focusing 100% of your attention on the wonders and pleasures of your own climax. If you normally orgasm while watching porn, you will quickly learn the pleasurable benefits of focusing 100% on the fireworks happening in your body. For some who are skilled, the fireworks may go on and on with multiple orgasms. For those with penises: Instead of reaching for a towel or tissue as you approach ejaculation, why not focus totally on your orgasm? Enjoy the experience. Let the semen go where it will. Feel now, clean up later. The major habit operating in most porn watchers is the non-stop drive toward orgasm or climax. This habit, sometimes called “chasing” or “wanting more,” is often accompanied by a rigidity in the muscles and a constriction in the breath. By taking time to slow down and enjoy each level of your sexual arousal, you can interrupt this habit of chasing. Be here now. Orgasms deserve our full attention.

Pornstar-turned-sex-educator Annie Sprinkle says the afterglow is the best part of sex. She suggests that porn watchers take a couple of minutes of quiet time at the end of every session. “How do you feel after standing, breathing, shaking and touching yourself? Savor and enjoy the pleasures of your body.” Of the billion people regularly wanking to porn, almost no one takes the time to enjoy the refreshing afterglow within themselves. What a waste! Part of your savoring might involve recalling something from your session that surprised or delighted you. Sometimes just thinking “I want to remember this” moves the experience into long-term memory. This is a way of learning from our practice. Neuroscientist Rick Hanson calls this “installing the experience.” Remembering these feelings can be a powerful motivation for future practice sessions. Quiet savoring often involves reflecting on how you engaged with your intention. As your practice deepens, your statements of intention will increasingly be informed by the wisdom of your body.

As Wa Ama brings more awareness to his porn watching, he acknowledges the complicated contexts surrounding porn.